Published September 14, 2010
As I walked through the garden
As the morning glories opened their violet arms
And the nightshades fell asleep
The sun rose
Glanced upon me with her dew-bright eyes
Amid her pink fire-petals
The sun that lights the rosy sky
Embers of the morning
Petal by petal fall
Across the silent earth
Dawn fluttered down from scarlet heaven
Softly kissed the flower
Feathers and petals mingled
Rose-pink, flame-golden
Snow-white, sky-silver
Rain upon the garden
Heaven and earth
And the sun rose.
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I figured I might have to explain this....ilyaeelz seemed to be the only one who caught on a little to the poem's double meaning. It's actually the polar opposite of using a flower metaphor to describe the rising sun: it's using the sunrise metaphor to describe a certain rose I saw once, early in the morning, that was pink around the edges and melted into golden yellow in the middle. It reminded me of the sun, so I christened it "the sun rose." Cheesy but true. And then I started thinking about how that could have a double meaning and so yeah.....
I'm not a huge fan of this poem.
Overall, I found the imagery to be redundant and not overly surprising. The idea of using flowers as a metaphorical construct is not a new one, and after the first few lines--moving from literal flowers to an imagined one--I was beginning to anticipate the direction of the poem.
You don't want that. The poem should diverge from itself and pull the reader along.
I am also not a fan of the use of the dramatic last line as the title of your poem. It takes away any of the unexpectedness of the poem. Though, as I have said, that is an area where I feel as though this piece is lacking a little bit. You are describing an event that we have all witnessed--something that has been detailed over and over until it becomes very difficult to describe without relying on cliches (the flower metaphor for example).
However. That said, I think you do have a definite mastery of language, and I would love to see you tackle a more complex concept in a completely different poem. You can write!!! I don't doubt it! And I will be looking forward to reading your next poem =)
Nice poem.
- just to be consistentThe imagery is nice and consistent, as is the grammar. I agree with simplycomplex about the "As" lines beginning the poem.
Not much else I can say, since non-standard poems really can't be changed too much or else they'll collapse by trying to be 'conformist'. The title confused me at first - I thought you were referring to an actual 'sun rose' as something you'd thought up and wanted to know what it was. ^^
Also reminded me of Hemingway (The Sun Also Rises), haha.
Great job, and keep writing!
Hi! I really like the imagery in this poem, especially the "embers of the morning" part. There's only one part that I thought should be changed:
Saying "as" twice doesn't make much sense right at the beginning. Putting "I walked..." for the first line and keeping the second line as it is would work, or keeping the first line the same and changing the second line to "The morning..." would also work.
I don't completely agree with Rascalover about dividing your poem into stanzas. I could read and understand this poem just fine without any stanzas, and the way it flows together I don't think you necessarily need stanzas, anyway. It's your choice, though, but I think it's fine as it is.
That's all I have to say, so once again, I liked this poem and it was an enjoyable read.
Good work and don't stop writing!
Hey,
Awesome job! This was a really enjoyable read, but I do have one suggestion: Shouldn't it be broken up into stanzas?
Thumbs up,
Tiffany